Facing the difficult situations we are going through often requires help. 20 minutes starts a week psychological office in order to help solve the questions posed by readers. To raise your problem write an email to [email protected]. Here are the answers this week that our expert, Mª Jesús Álava Reyes has given to this week's office.
I am going through a good time in terms of work. I'm not missing, I even think I cover too much. I think you have to take advantage of the "wave", but sometimes I notice that anxiety can help me. Is there a technique or remedy to avoid the stress that I think I am undergoing?
There are many techniques and resources that psychologists apply depending on the evaluation of each case. On the subject of work it is crucial to make a good time management, but it is also key to work enjoying, without feeling stress or anxiety. In any case, if what you have is stress, you can use some physiological techniques: relaxation and deep breathing. It is convenient that these techniques combine them with cognitive techniques: stop thinking, self-instruction, confrontation of automatic thoughts … You will see in detail how to apply it in the book 'Work without suffering'.
I would like you to give me guidelines to help someone who is in a toxic relationship, of emotional dependence, which is making him even doubt the reality of his former partner. Since he left this relationship he acts unpredictably and has us worried. Sometimes she is distrustful, sometimes she trusts too much, sometimes she moves away from people with whom she has ties and other times she has had sex with almost unknown people who have nothing to do with her. It is as if it were another person, the logic does not seem to govern.
No doubt this person is very vulnerable and very emotionally dependent. Compulsively, he is trying to find out what he has to work within. The solution is not that someone covers their emotional needs, but that she begins to love herself well to be the owner of her life and her emotions. Of course, you need psychological therapy and you need it urgently. The behaviors you have can cause serious consequences and a state of extreme fragility. Only when she manages to raise her self-esteem, when she feels good about herself, will that person overcome those sick dependencies. In the book 'The best of your life is you' I detail how to achieve it, the path that these people must follow to reach the balance they need so much.
I am 58 years old and at the beginning of the year I began to feel bad, very anxious, especially when I had to go to work. I left home almost crying with little desire but every day I did my job. In it, due to lack of staff that had been promised and never arrived, every day I had more tasks to do. I am a very perfectionist and compliant person and that created a very high stress on me, until one day the body said "enough", I had a very big anxiety attack and I was discharged. I went through a psychiatrist and I was diagnosed with chronic dysthymia and anxious disorder, they sent me medication and I am also going to a mutual psychologist, but it is already six months and the improvement is very little. The psychologist is doing well, but let's say it's more relief than learning to manage emotions and therefore physical symptoms, and there are many moments of discouragement, because I see people who come out, laugh, do things and I can't , and I want to feel useful, but I think about work and I feel more anguish. I don't know what else to do, my family is having a hard time and I'm overwhelmed.
In these cases, it is often advisable to work on stress and anxiety control techniques that allow you to learn to manage your emotions and be able to regain confidence and enjoy yourself at work. Similarly, there are very specific techniques in cognitive behavioral psychology to try to mitigate the effects of excessive perfectionism. In the book 'Work without suffering' I detail these techniques and you will see cases very similar to yours.
I would need some advice to know how to act. I am 26 years old and my partner 24. We have been together for a year, we are coworkers but from minute 0 we know how to take it. The problem comes when at the beginning of the relationship my mother was diagnosed with cancer and has passed away in a matter of months. He is a person who, even having problems at home, has acquired roles that do not correspond to him, such as a father, etc., and within his maturity he has been involved in a situation that sometimes I feel overflows (such simple things how to do household chores that you didn't do as much as before). The problem is that, aside from bigheaded, he is a very his, hermetic and very faithful person to his ideas, and nothing can make him change and let's say he has trouble making friends (those he has have gone away for work). A month or so after his mother's death has passed and it is now that he begins to notice his absence the most. There are days that are wrong, I do not know how to help you and I have a hard time seeing him wrong at work. I do the impossible but sometimes it gets out of hand. He went to the psychologist during the illness because I convinced him and he was very happy, but he stopped going weeks before his death. Right now I think he would need to return but he is very negative (something that I do not understand if he had a very good experience that helped him) since he says that the psychologist is not going to help him and I tell him that he can give him the key to better take this duel , but he gets angry if I tell him about the psychologist. Sometimes I feel that I am very heavy, and it is true, but it fills me with anger not knowing what to do. I try not to leave my life aside for his 'problem' but sometimes I have to give up doing things with my friends for not leaving him alone (although he has never asked for it) but I think that my position is not easy either, since he has many negative attitudes towards me lately and bad forms, speaking besides that he is very irascible and I try to shut up although I recognize that I have my character. Actually, I don't know very well how to do it or what to say.
Indeed, as he says, his partner would need psychological help right now. It is logical that he thinks that a psychologist cannot help him, since his mother has died and that reality is undeniable, but of course a professional can give him the resources he needs to overcome those phases so negative that he is going through right now. In any case, when the resistance is so great, a more indirect approach is preferable. Provide Vicente Prieto's book 'The death of a loved one', there the psychologist explains and details very well how to act and how we can help a loved one who is going through these circumstances.